OKAY SO WHENEVER I SEE AN UGLY COUPLE I ALWAYS WONDER WHAT THEY SAY TO EACH OTHER IN BED. creepy?
so i woke up thsi morning with a phadora on my head, no shirt and a huge hangover? want to help me figure this out?
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
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