I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
I call biggest shit show at the party. I welcome all challengers.
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
I can't feel the bottom half of my face but i feel like our sex would be amazing
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
I was at his place until 2am. We just sat really close an stared at each other. I think you are right. Germans must not have feelings. Not even tingly ones in their pants.
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