I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
she burped and cried multiple times. it was like i was getting head from a baby.
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
Randomize