my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
so i was just informed that i sang that song "pop that pussy ayyy pop that pussy" at the halloween party saturday. iembarrassing.
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
just heard a glass bottle fall in lecture and my first thought was to yell party foul.....is it friday yet?
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
Randomize
