pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
he told me i could have the honorable privilege of being the second girl to have sex with him in his new apartment, what a gentleman.
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
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