I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
if you don't go out with us, what are you gonna do? you're gonna go home and watch biodome and masturbate to texts from your east coast boyfriend and see the facebook pictures from the party when you wake up.
I know it is almost summer when the students in my night class start showing up drunk.
Sorry I didn't wanna double team his sister. Having whiskey dick and watching you get laid didn't sound appealing
well if I unknowingly shoved my hand up someones ass, I'm glad it was yours
andd if someone unknowingly shoved their hand up my ass without me knowing, im glad it was you
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
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