my computer doesn't work...
why?
i puked on it last night
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
He is so amazingly handsome. I just wanna fuck every shred of decency out of him.
Im cutting you off tonight ONE boy at a time
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
Randomize
