genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
I broke the girls bed. I will not apologize about bragging.
Ummm didn't i have pubes when i went to bed last night?
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
woke up between a girl's legs. make your own conclusion.
I am playing in the snow in my bunny outfit. GET OVER HERE
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
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