Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
im trying to find a facebook picture of him that doesnt make me regret sleeping with him. its not working
be proud. or at least amused. an 18 yr old and a 25 yr old at least makes my average hookup age this week the same as my age.
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
Im looking at the faintest of claw marks right now. I just fell in love all over again.
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Randomize
