i think i just witnessed the elusive male walk of shame
once the "do it" chant starts, any shot at an even remotely dignified party experience is dead.
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
As an added bonus, you will have a "25 blowjobs a month" voucher, expiring thirty days after the first initial bj.
so exactly what is concert sex etiquette? Before, during or after???
all of the above
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
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