i need an iv and a liver transplant
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
please tell me you remember why "7 days" is written above my bed in red marker
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
I thought making out with his sister would be a great way of meeting him. But it backfired.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
i made out with his shirt. MDMA, man.
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