I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
pray for me tomorrow cause I have a midterm that I've mostly studied for by watching Bill Nye episodes on the subject...
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
The glockenspiel player has some booze though so hopefully the ride won't be that bad
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
all i know is that i woke up at 12:00 am in a shower with egg shell in my hair. i am 90% sure you are responsible.
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
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