Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
the awesomeness of being snowed in wore off after we ran out of beer and we realized we really didnt want to be stuck with everyone.
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
He couldn't get his dick hard. So he started yelling at it. " EVERYONE is laughing at you, you piece of shit no wonder you can't get pussy" i wonder if that happens frequently I'll try again next weekend
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
Randomize
