After I talked about my ex for about twenty minutes, she just listened, sluts are so understanding
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
I know. I just don't want anything else. I have no other desire. Just a ham sandwich.
I honestly don't know what to make of that.
A ham sandwich would be nice.
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
Why is it that every study session with you turns into a hunt for drugs?
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
I just got stoned alone and repierced my nose. don't ever tell me I'm unaccomplished
I just got stoned by myself and am eating cookies so I'm right there with you
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
Randomize
