My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
I mean, we started to hook up but my asthma attack kind of killed the mood
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
SORRY! Pervert came out for a bit. BAD PERVERT! BACK IN YOUR HOME!
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
I'm busy watching infomercials. I'd say I'll join you later, but I'm doing a shot every time they demonstrate how difficult life is WITHOUT this product. So I doubt I'll be able to walk in another... Maybe 40 minutes.
But feel free to join! A new infomercial starts in 12 minutes.
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
My boobs looked so good under the black light I saw a girl physically cover her boyfriend's eyes.
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
i just cleaned my bong... I do not feel healthy
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