We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
Hey, taking organic chemistry means no one is allowed to tell you you're partying too hard.
Uhmm, it's called hentai.
I DON'T CARE WHAT IT'S CALLED I DON'T WANT TO SEE IT ON MY WORK COMPUTER
Someone stole a lamp last night.
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
But I’m still curious to know... how did the homemade porno go?
He weighed maybe 130, his dick had to be 30 of it. SO BIIIIG.
Randomize
