thanks...oh and i got my period
told you
oh hush
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
Why thank you for your unwanted opinion, person I've never met before.
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
Randomize
