What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
I guess the study abroad went badly, I gave him a joint and he just smoked it and cried all the way from the airport
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
I can't even tell you how many rave sticks I tore apart with my teeth last night.
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
so an orgy is about to happen in the next room if you wondered where i am currently at in life
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
Randomize
