sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
Maybe he just has a boisterous penis
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
I pack a first-aid kit when I DD for you. What does that tell you about your partying? For what I see and do, paying my food and gas for the night is a goddamn BARGAIN.
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
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