It's like a parade of train wrecks.
we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
If you fool around, take the WHITE sweatshirt off of her first. It's mine, and I don't like your cum nearly as much as she does.
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
We found out if you get Ben high but stay sober yourself he is an AWESOME cook. You need to get your ass down here, this goes against everything I know to be real.
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
I am going to constantly be reminded of you for the next couple of days because of how sore my vagina is. It's just the price I have to pay.
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