There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
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