sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
After what was supposed to be a one night stand I woke up to a message in my room wall written in marker "Kaitlin got it on in here" definitely a cock block down the road
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
Just watched two people have sex in the pool. Hope you enjoy your yeast infection courtesy of the comfort inn.
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
Your vagina needs to teach my vagina its ways.
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
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