That poor girl was naked and had to be at a job interview in an hour
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
I think online classes were designed around the concept of day drinking.
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
i think you may have a shot to cock block in a moment. just saying.
Wake up an cock block please bc these are noises i dont ever want to hear again
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
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