Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
Finished the final in under ten minutes and then puked in the bushes outside. I don't even care if I graduate anymore.
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
An image of us stuck like that like Pompeii comes to mind. A wonder for future anthropologists
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
