I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
Whether ya want it or not, it's gonna happen. Assimilate to the gay
22 is way too old to still be having "thank god I think I'm getting my period" days
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
death bed.
death patio
stfu you slept on the patio!?!
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
Randomize
