I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
i knew he was a douchebag when his facebook activities were "ladeis," and "gettin crunk wit ladeis"
we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
In case you were wondering I realized something last night, Rick James was correct. Cocaine is a hell of a drug.
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
Randomize
