Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
The party invite said "this ain't no lame stoplight party, you come to hookup or you don't come" I feel like their honesty deserves out attendance
Not to mention having our pick at the ensuing sausagefest
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
i don't find him as attractive when he's dressed as himself...bring back Indiana jones and I would so fuck him again
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
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