i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
so they made cookies with their faces printed on them...I ate jaime...she tasted like poop
She said to delete the bj video, but I accidentally hit the 'send to her bf' button. My bad
we've had sex 4 times and he still refers to me as 'the chick in my chem class'
Then you screamed "fuck her like shes not your sister tonight" at the people walking down the road.
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
WHAT IS PROPER BONG ETIQUETTE FOR WHEN YOU'RE ALONE IN YOUR BATHTUB AND CRYING?
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
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