Enough with studying for finals. Time to put that my little pony coloring book to use.
I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
well when do great stories at the expense of people's relationships become a bad thing?
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
Ice cream after masturbating>masturbating any other time
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
New fuck buddy and long time fuck buddy are carpooling home for thanksgiving. #10hrconvoaboutmyblowjobskills
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
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