woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
who's fault is it that she tells me today she is only 16 because i definately met her at the bar...
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
They normally just get fucked up and see who can hold their hand on the exhaust the longest. It's great
Got so drunk in South Padre some guy put me on a suitcase trolly and pushed me to my room. I flashed my boobs as a tip.
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
The name of tonight's festivities is hereby decreed to be the "Honey Boo Boo Hootenanny".
Seriously? People are paying $45 for Surge?!? I've seen better one night stand decisions being made then the choices being made on amazon orders of Surge
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
Don't EVER mix a flaming shot, with a Jello shot.. As good as it sounds flaming Jello is not a good idea
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
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