im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
i was really depressed when i left the health dept this morning after i had to write a higher number next to "partners" than "age"
IF THE SUNS NOT EVEN OUT THEN WHY IS HIS DICK OUT WTF
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