I thought it was weird that her dad told me to finish and get out after he walked in on us. I like him
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
Be there in 20. Want icecream?
sex. I want sex. I like where your heads at though.
What better than a girl who loves jager, sexts like a champ and is down for t-bell at any hours of the night? oh wait, NOTHING.
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
Randomize
