I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
She was like the Rudy of blow jobs... SO much effort into it
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
I would feel bad sleeping with her unless all of her personalities were on board with it.
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
And I got shut down by a ginger. It was a weird night
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
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