Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
My boob is missing a layer of skin
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
Randomize
