So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
Pls tell me she didnt actually sign a nutsack.
these two guys are about to go shot for shot with syrup
now he is talking to a potato
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
whoever set the energy saving light timer in the lobby bathroom cleraly has no concept how long a work dump takes
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
Randomize
