WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
Coffee is gods way of saying go ahead, get absolutly trashed on weeknights, I got your back
I am currently in the waffle making stage of highness
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
Are you opposed to me trying out your penis?
You walked in on us hooking up, hugged me, high fived him and unhooked my bra.. You claimed to be helping
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
Randomize
