You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
Synchronized big wheels back flips off the second floor roof. Good idea or great idea?
So our trip to Disney World ended in the three of us stripping at a gay club in orlando.
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
The struggles of a small town man whore
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
He's a downgrade and it was quick. But it was dick nonetheless.
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
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