I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
I just encouraged Kelsey to make out with some guy for beer so I could take one, does this make me a pimp?
By definition I think it does.
So this is what it feels like to be all that is man.
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
Why have they been driving around the block for the past 30 min?
He told her it was international road head day.
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
Vodka shot parachutes
Fucking utilizing a thrid story dorm room
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
Remember when we were coked out at that house and we were trying to meditate in the bathroom? Who's house were we at?
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
Randomize
