I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
conquered wheelchair sex. it's rather convenient. you'd think it was made for it, with all those handles and adjustable features.
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
Forgot to mention there might be a picture of me being thrown in the air while at a Mexican restaurant
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
Fortunatly we found him, he was on my roof. Unfortunatly, we can't say the same for his pants. Still looking. BRB.
The guy next to me on the bus has one hole in his jeans that has over 20 mini dicks drawn on his leg. Classic.
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