she fell down the flight of stairs and was fine until she saw the two broken beer bottles on the ground by her.
thats a woman
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
You missed practice last night. You owe at least 8 hours of liver sprints.
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
Randomize
