If only Ben were 51% gay instead of 49%
Just took my morning after pill in the library
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
I feel like I've been drunk all of June. And I am in NO WAY ashamed about it.
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
I'm not entirely sure how getting 'house drunk' turned into us getting trashed, being serenaded by karaoke and going out. But it needs to happen again.
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
she was concerned about my dick piercings.
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
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