You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
I ate her out in the bathroom and she did my makeup. Man i love being a lesbian
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
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