my phone needs a breathalizer
You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
Just witnessed a circumcision at clinical. i suddenly feel a sense of reconciliation over every guy who's done me dirty...
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
There's a bag in my room with garbage, a thong, fritos, and an electrical cord. I'm assuming it's yours
........yyyyyyeah that's me
No...this little piggys going to the bar
I just laughed at the word pudding. I have no idea whats going on right now.
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
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