i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.
don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
i googled "the goonies drinking game." i may be alone, but i'm living the college dream.
he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
just overheard a conversation that ended in "and that's what I learned in France" How could that not have been about sex
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
IF THE SUNS NOT EVEN OUT THEN WHY IS HIS DICK OUT WTF
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Randomize
