you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
shes got a really nice body. but her face is eh.
you dont need a face to have sex
he was fingering the outside of my pants..i knew that was my cue to leave
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
she's the poster child for how alcoholism can be fun.
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
Randomize
