Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
wouldnt it be awesome if walks of shame were like charity walks...you could get sponsors and shit and donate money to curing STDs or cancer
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
Well, I didn't bring a notebook or any paper to class. Should I take notes on the sugar packet, lace thong, or condom wrapper that instead are in my school bag?
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
You're not supposed to support this behaviour, btw the judge recognized me
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
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