At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
The guy that just projectile vomited over the balcony is now going down to find the pill he just puked up. He said he wasn't about to waste $15.
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
TGIFridays...stall number 1...drunk...send help
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
If he sends me a dick pic so help me god.
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
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