R and i have drinken 4 bottles od red wine. By ourselfs
i need an iv and a liver transplant
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
I will not hesitate to go down on a dick for some cream soda.
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
We could have a classy candlelight sonic dinner with fireball cocktails if you leave now. Twat tickler centerpieces.
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
We hotboxed his bathroom. going to be a good night
Hotbox went wrong - smoke sets off fire alarm. Firefighters coming
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