I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
You know the gilmore girls would be alright if it was on mute the whole time
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
He must have found my secret supply of blow and took a bump before we left the house. Rude.
He could of at least asked
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
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