He said he was just looking at my pictures and was thinking about how he wanted to cut my hair..then dye it black and put platnium blonde extensions throughout it and layer my hair
I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
I don't know how, but he made a bong out of a hamster wheel. To say I am impressed is an understatement.
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
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