well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
a search helicopter?!
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
Watching boy meets world, drinking left over pink panty droppers and coloring in a my little pony coloring book. This is my Monday night
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
RICK BROUGHT THE HOT BARTENDER HOME. SOMEONE CALL THE FIRE DEPARTMENT, CUZ RICKYS ON FIIIIIIIRE.
lmao nvm she punched him in the face and left
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