that was the first time i tried it. why is it all sticky? its like somebody threw a glue bottle at my face.
he just kept going up to random asian girls and yelling at them for breaking up the beatles
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
What makeup look will say to the therapist 'I am a smart, well-adjusted young woman'?
How the hell did he get a boner in that type of situation?
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
Randomize
